What’s the biggest complaint brides have about their Maid of Honor? It’s that the Maid of Honor (aka MOH) isn’t planning the bridal shower, or the MOH isn’t helping with the planning, or the MOH isn’t [fill in the blank]. Yep, the biggest complaint is that the Maid of Honor isn’t doing something that the bride is expecting her to do.
Photo Credit: Marko Milivojevic via Pixnio (CC0)
So why is this? It’s usually one of two reasons: 1) The Maid of Honor doesn’t know what things are traditionally her responsibility, and/or 2) the Maid of Honor doesn’t know what the bride wants her to do.
So give your MOH a break, and share with her a list of Maid of Honor duties AND your expectations on what you’d like for them to actually do. (While you’re at it, share your expectations with everyone else in your wedding party).
Now this doesn’t mean you can go bridezilla on them, and be demanding. As the bride (or groom), always keep in mind the expenses and logistics that your wedding party will have to deal with just by merely saying yes, they’ll be in your wedding. Weddings can get expensive for your participants too. They’ll be paying for special attire, transportation, and lodging, taking time off from work, etc. And if they don’t live nearby, any help that they can give (and when they can give it) will be limited.
That said, let’s dive right into what a Maid of Honor is, and what she is primarily responsible for.
What is a Maid of Honor?
Essentially, a Maid of Honor (or Matron of Honor, if she is married) is the head bridesmaid. The Merriam-Webster definition of bridesmaid is “a woman who is an attendant of a bride,” which makes the Maid of Honor the lead attendant.
Photo Credit: Sandra Reed
Like many wedding traditions, the origins of having bridesmaids was out of function and superstition, rather than out of fun and sharing the day with your besties. Centuries ago, in order to fool any evil spirits who wished to cause her mischief or harm, the bride surrounded herself with women who were all dressed alike (including the bride).
Today, the bride chooses those who are her best and closest friends and family members to stand up with her on her wedding day, and your options for attire are practically endless!
Selecting your Maid of Honor
Before you choose your MOH, the first question to ask yourself is “is she genuinely happy for me and my partner and excited for our wedding?” Hopefully that’s a big “Yes!”
Once you have someone in mind, think about what it is that you will want her to do in that role?
Maybe it’s someone you can bounce wedding ideas off of, and get an honest opinion. Or someone who can accompany you as you go wedding dress shopping and for fittings. You may want someone to help out with some of your wedding DIY projects. Perhaps you want her to be your “right hand gal” on the wedding day itself. Possibly, you may want someone who will plan a fun bridal shower and bachelorette party. Or . . .
Photo Credit: Faye Sommer Photography
Will the person you are thinking of choosing be able to meet these expectations? Do they live close enough to you to be able to get together when you want? Do they have the time to help out? Are they financially able to do this for you?
Now, a “No” to any of those questions doesn’t mean that the person you’ve considered is out of the running. It just means that you’ll have to adjust your expectations a bit.
What if your BFF is a man? Can you ask him to be your MOH? You sure can, but you’ll probably want to alter the title a bit (maybe Man of Honor?).
What are the Maid of Honor’s duties?
For the most part, a Maid of Honor’s duties will fall under one of these categories:
- Emotional support
- Extra pair of hands/eyes/legs
- Leader of your personal cheering team
- Head bridesmaid
Prior to wedding day
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- Be emotionally supportive (and be positive!). This may be the most important of all of the Maid of Honor’s duties. Even the most organized brides can get stressed, so be a safe place for her to vent. Be enthusiastic and genuinely happy for her. Take the bride’s wedding vision and desires into account before offering an opinion.
- Coordinate with bridesmaids (Making sure they’ve ordered their dresses/accessories, planning of shower & bachelorette party, fielding any questions the b-maids may have).
- Attends wedding dress and bridesmaid dress shopping and fittings (The final fitting is the most important one for the MOH to attend, as it is at this fitting that the seamstress will show the bride how the dress is to be bustled).
- Help with any DIY decor projects, stuffing invitations, etc. (Don’t forget to break out some yummy snacks).
- Run wedding-related errands (Be mindful that you’re not constantly running them all over town).
- Plan the bridal shower. The MOH doesn’t have to do this all on her own. Instead, they can get the other bridesmaids input on the plans (they’ll appreciate it), and delegate duties with the rest of the bridesmaids. The MOH should always be mindful of the budget, and make sure things are affordable for the rest of the bridesmaids.
Photo Credit: ID 88002840 © Dotshock via Dreamstime
- Plan the bachelorette party. A crazy getaway weekend, a spa day, a girls’ night in watching movies with plenty of snacks and drinks? Think about the bride and the other bridesmaids. What type of bachelorette party will everyone have fun at? Don’t forget about the costs. Like the shower, you’ll also be splitting the costs of this with the rest of the bridesmaids, but you still want to make sure it’s affordable for them.
- Attend any pre-wedding events (Such as an engagement party, the rehearsal, and the aforementioned shower and bachelorette party).
On the wedding day
Ceremony
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- Help the bride getting dressed.
- Make sure the bride eats something, and drinks something (Other than the celebratory champagne or mimosas while everyone’s getting ready).
- Confiscate the bride’s cell phone and field any phone calls from any vendors, guests, or who ever may happen to call.
- Make sure the bridal suite, or where ever the ladies will be getting ready, is tidied up (Providing everyone with a personalized tote bag is a great way to keep all of their “stuff” contained).
- Hold the groom’s ring during the ceremony. Have her put it on her thumb, (unless her dress has pockets, then leave it in the box and have her put that in her pocket).
Photo Credit: openField photography
- Hold the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony.
- Adjust the bride’s train when she’s at the altar.
- Signing the marriage license (if witness signatures are required in your state).
Reception
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- Be emotionally supportive, and be positive! (Yes, this “duty” was already mentioned earlier, but it IS an important one). The bride is probably feeling some level of stress. Why not? She’s put a lot of time and effort into this day, and she’s wanting it to all come together just like the beautiful/romantic/fun event she’s been imagining. Let her know that all is well, and everything is great.
Photo Credit: Faye Sommer Photography
- Give the Maid of Honor toast (You don’t have to memorize it. Writing it down is perfectly fine).
- Collect the cards and gifts and put them into a designated vehicle or take up to the bridal suite.
- Collect the couples wedding keepsakes, such as the toasting glasses, cake topper, cake knife/server, etc., and put them into a designated vehicle or take up to the bridal suite Please take a moment and check with the wedding coordinator, if there is one on hand, before you do this. Collecting up the keepsakes is routinely one of a coordinator’s duties, and if the MOH has unknowingly already done so, the coordinator will be trying to figure out where the missing item has gone. (Yes, this has happened to me a couple of times, where the helpful MOH put the item in question in a “safe” place).
- Assist the bride in the bathroom (Not one of the fun parts of the wedding, but so necessary).
- Help bustle the bride’s dress (This is why it’s important that the Maid of Honor has attended the bride’s final dress fitting).
- Collect the bride’s dress (if she plans to change outfits during the evening).
- Have fun! Sure, the Maid of Honor is supposed to be there for the bride, but she is allowed to enjoy herself too. So have a drink, hit the dance floor, and have a great time celebrating your BFF’s wedding!
A few things that are NOT the Maid of Honor’s duties or responsibility:
- Making the reception play list. Of course, your MOH may have a wonderful taste in music, and she can help make suggestions of what songs to play (or not play). But the songs shouldn’t be reflective of her tastes, but of those of the happy couple (and the vibe they want for their reception).
- Doing the bride’s honeymoon packing. Maybe it’s just me, but my thoughts are “get out of my closet and get out of my underwear drawer.” Besides, the bride knows what she wants to take with her, and what she doesn’t.
- Finalizing/signing off/changing any vendors’ duties. The couple has contracted their vendors to perform specified duties, and since they are contracted, all “Oks” and such need to come from the person who signed the contract.
What do you think of this list? Are there any other Maid Of Honor’s duties that you’d add? Let me know in the comments below!
Hearts, Joy, Love!
Jean
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