Though weddings may not be making as many headlines as they once did, they’re still a cherished celebration—and making the day easy and enjoyable for your guests is more important than ever. While some aspects of wedding planning are straightforward, questions often arise about how to be a good wedding guest.
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As wedding planners, we frequently answer the same queries from multiple guests, and despite how often we address them, these questions persist. It’s all part of the job, and we’re here to help! From navigating gifts and attire to RSVP etiquette, here are some of the most common wedding guest questions we encounter—and how to make things seamless for everyone involved.
Essential Answers to Common Wedding Guest FAQs: Gifts, Dress Codes, and Giving Checks
1. “A college friend of mine is getting married. I am unable to attend but I want to send a gift, even though the ‘rules’ say it’s not required. Should I send it before the wedding addressed to my friend or after the wedding to the couple?”
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If you can’t attend but still want to send a gift, it’s always a kind gesture. Timing is important here. If the bride is your friend, send the gift directly to her with a personal note explaining why you can’t be there to celebrate in person and offering your heartfelt congratulations. If the groom is your friend, send the gift to the couple at the bride’s address. This ensures that the gift is still received in a timely manner. If your relationship with the groom is more distant, a personal call or email with good wishes can be a nice touch.
Sending gifts before the wedding is completely fine. It’s a thoughtful way of showing you care, and it’s never considered “too early.” The important part is including a note explaining why you won’t be attending, so the couple doesn’t feel like they missed a chance to celebrate with you. This small touch of kindness will mean a lot to the couple, especially in a time when many wedding guests are unable to attend due to travel or other challenges.
2. “I am not sure how much to give if my gift of choice is a check. How do I know what’s appropriate?”
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Gift-giving can be a tricky subject, especially when it comes to money. If you’re choosing a check over a tangible gift, the amount is usually based on a few factors.
If the couple has a registry, start by browsing it to see the price range of the items they’ve selected. This gives you an idea of what’s reasonable to contribute. If you can’t make it to the wedding but still want to gift something, sending a check in a similar range to the registry items is perfectly fine.
Some believe that the price of the gift should match the cost of the wedding meal, but this isn’t a business transaction. Instead, focus on what feels right for your relationship with the couple and what fits comfortably within your budget. The most thoughtful gifts come from the heart—so let your connection with the couple and your wallet guide your decision.
3. “The invitation does not specify the degree of formality of this wedding. What should I wear?”
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If the invitation doesn’t directly specify the level of formality, don’t worry—you can still get clues from the invitation’s design and wording. Here’s a guide to help you figure it out:
Paper Stock: Invitations printed on thick, high-quality cardstock often suggest a formal event. More casual or creative materials (like acrylic or wood) may indicate a less traditional celebration.
Invitation Design: Ornate, intricate designs or elegant calligraphy often signal a formal or traditional wedding, while minimalist and modern designs might point to a more casual event.
Envelope Style: Double envelopes typically indicate a formal event, while a single envelope can mean something more relaxed.
Wording and Tone: Traditional wording such as “Request the honor of your presence” hints at a formal affair, while a conversational tone usually signals a casual celebration.
Additional Details: Sometimes the RSVP card’s style, or the venue itself, can also provide hints. Upscale venues and detailed RSVPs suggest a formal event.
Once you’ve “deciphered” the invitation and have a better idea of the formality, here’s a quick breakdown to help you figure out what to wear:
Black Tie: This typically means an evening gown for women and a tuxedo for men. If the invitation says “black tie optional,” you can wear a formal gown or dressy cocktail attire. However, if it’s “black tie required,” don’t skimp on the formality—it’s the time to go all out!
Semi-Formal or Cocktail: This is a more relaxed option, usually calling for a cocktail dress or a nice suit. Think “evening out at a nice restaurant” attire. It’s still dressy but not as formal as black tie.
Casual or Beachy: If the invitation mentions “casual” or “beach attire,” you can opt for something light and breezy, like a sundress or linen suit. Just avoid anything too informal (like flip-flops or jeans) unless you’re attending a very laid-back beach wedding.
Color: Black is generally safe for most weddings, but avoid wearing something that looks too somber, like an all-black gown that might make you seem like you’re in mourning. When it comes to wearing white, unless the couple has specifically requested it (which is becoming more popular), it’s best to avoid it. Let the bride have her moment in the spotlight—after all, it’s her big day!
By paying attention to the details of the invitation, you can better gauge the level of formality and confidently choose an outfit that matches the vibe of the wedding. Now, you’re ready to step out in style—whether you’re attending a glamorous black-tie affair or a breezy beachside celebration!
4. “Do I need to bring a gift if I can’t attend the wedding?”
If you’ve been invited to the wedding but can’t attend, you’re not obligated to send a gift, but it is still a nice gesture. If you’re particularly close to the couple, a small gift or a heartfelt note with a personal message of congratulations can be the perfect way to show that you care. Sending a wedding card is a thoughtful gesture to let the couple know you’re thinking of them, even if you can’t make it to the big day.
Final Thoughts
Weddings are filled with customs, and navigating them as a guest can sometimes feel overwhelming. But by thinking ahead and asking the right questions, you can ensure you’ll be the best wedding guest possible. Whether it’s knowing when to send a gift or figuring out what to wear, these details may seem small, but they can make a big difference in how the couple remembers their wedding day—and how they feel about your role in it.
Still have questions about wedding guest etiquette? I’m always happy to help out! Leave your question in the comments below or shoot me an email at [email protected].
Hearts, Joy, Love!Jean
Author of “Wedding Invitations, RSVPs, and More! Oh My!” and “From ‘I Will’ to ‘I Do’”
