Just came across another piece of bad wedding advice, (and this one comes from an etiquette coach!)
The question was “Is it rude to ask for a plus one to a wedding?”
The etiquette coach answered “To clarify, if your wedding invitation doesn’t specify “plus one” that means you are definitely not cleared for someone to come with you.” (Now that IS good advice.)
Then she back pedaled on her answer saying it’s ok if you call and ask for a plus one as soon as you’ve received the invitation; and “. . . try to bring a solution to the problem —like offering to pay for your plus one’s plate . . .”.
No!
Why is this bad wedding advice?
First of all, it doesn’t matter when the question of being allowed to bring a plus one is asked. You should not ask at all, period! The couple just finished working on their guest list (no easy task, let me tell you). The final guest list is what they wanted! Don’t ask to change it! It’s not your wedding. You don’t get to make decisions regarding it.
And second, paying for someone’s plate of food is not going to make it ok! While that “plate of food” probably cost $25 – $60, let’s not forget the sales tax and gratuities that are added to the catering bill. Compared to the cost of the entire wedding, $25 – $60 + appropriate taxes and fees is nothing. So don’t you think that if the couple wanted to extend the invite they would have done so already?
In reality, the cost to have one more person at your wedding reception will cost more than one plate of food. They’ll want to eat some appetizers, right? How about something to drink? What about rentals like chair covers and napkins? You can’t have one guest sitting on the lone uncovered chair and wiping their mouth on their sleeve! What about favors?
And what about the other guests you didn’t extend a plus one to? How is this fair to them? (The quickest way to kill a relationship is with any type of “You let them, but you didn’t let me. . .” scenario).
Another fallacy to that answer is the “solution to the problem” part. I mean, who am I (as an invited guest) to call the couples’ choice of who the invite a “problem”?
Other factors for choosing not to include plus ones that don’t revolve around the budget
• What is the room capacity at your reception venue? By law, there is a maximum number of people the venue can have. If your guest list is already topping that number you can’t add any more people.
• What is your wedding vision? Does it include having any unknown faces, or people you or your new spouse really don’t know well?
What to do as the invited guest?
So if you receive an invitation that has only your name on it, be gracious. Appreciate that the couple has chosen to include you on their wedding day. If you choose to go, go by yourself with no complaints or questions.
Don’t go into it with the attitude of “but I won’t know anyone else there and won’t have any fun.” If you do, then you’ve already set yourself up for not being able to enjoy yourself. Besides, it’s not about you. It’s about the couple (who have chosen to include you on their wedding day). If they are important enough to you, you’ll go by yourself and celebrate their wedding.
So please, ignore this piece of bad wedding advice, and be a gracious enough to decline the invitation if you don’t want to go alone, or go by yourself with the intention of celebrating your loved ones’ wedding day.
Hearts, Joy, Love!
Jean
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