We’ve all seen those articles. You know, the ones that start with “Things We Need to Stop Doing at Weddings” or “Traditions We Can Do Without.” They don’t take a couples’ wedding vision, preferences, and desires into account, which makes this type of advice the worst wedding planning advice around.
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Who does this type of wedding advice really help? I mean, I think it’s pretty fair to say that there is an understanding within the wedding community and with engaged couples that this is their day, and they can do whatever makes the most sense, and holds meaning to them, and omit things that don’t.
But I open my feed, and what’s there? OMG, yet another article telling couples what they shouldn’t do at their wedding.
For anyone, (and I mean ANYONE) to have the audacity to say that everyone needs to stop doing [fill in the blank], or has to do [fill in the blank] is stepping over the line. Yes, they are entitled to their opinions, but please, take these types of articles and posts for what they really are, an Op-Ed piece.
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Attending 125 weddings in 9 years? That’s 13.88 weddings per year. So yeah, seeing the same things over and over again that many times, and seeing similar things that frequently can get a bit stale. But. . .
. . . for the average wedding goer it doesn’t have the same impact (according to a Knot study, the average person only attends 2 weddings per year, and it’s less than a 9 year span).
Believe it or not, but most guests have the expectation of seeing certain traditions and practices at weddings, such as the bouquet toss and cake cutting. (But don’t include any tradition solely for this reason).
And for many couples getting married, their wedding day wouldn’t be complete without including some (or all) of these common wedding traditions. (This is reason to include a tradition).
Weddings are not a one-size-fits-all type of event, and I caution against taking any blanket wedding advice that says you “must” or “must not” do something. This type of worst wedding planning advice infers that every couple, and therefore every wedding, needs to follow the same rule.
Every couple is unique and what works for one may not work for another. But is your wedding vision and desires exactly the same as any other couple planning their wedding? No, of course not. So for you and your wedding, any particular “You have to do ______” isn’t necessarily so. Neither is “You shouldn’t do _______.”
Let’s talk a bit about the practices the article says you should skip.
The Worst Wedding Planning Advice
The Bouquet Toss
While it’s true that the bouquet toss (and even more so the garter toss) is becoming a less common sight at weddings, it may be something that you want to include. Think it through in advance though.
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For example, if you don’t have many single ladies attending, or know that some would be uncomfortable participating, don’t do a bouquet toss (or make it clear that not everyone has to participate). Maybe do a fun bouquet toss alternative. Or, skip a bouquet toss altogether if you don’t want it.
The Rehearsal
Not having a rehearsal, or just doing a run through 20 minutes before the ceremony starts? This definitely falls within the worst wedding planning advice category. Not having a rehearsal is a big mistake. Why?
Unless you have a small wedding party (maid of honor and best man only), and have no readings, no music to be played during the ceremony itself, no unity candle, sand ceremony, or the like, you will have a lot of players and moving parts for your wedding.
Going over everything, and answering everyone’s questions will take longer than 20 minutes. While you don’t have to rehearse over and over (this isn’t a theatrical performance after all), all of the ceremony formalities need to be addressed at the rehearsal, and all the people involved (wedding party, parents, officiant, readers, etc.) need to be present and participate.
Now, let’s go back to the “20 minutes before the ceremony starts” part first. The main problem with this one is that your guests will already be there. Do you really want them to see your rehearsal right before your ceremony? And from the wedding planner’s point of view, we’ve got other things to be taking care of (that you’ve hired and paid good money for) in preparation of your ceremony.
The Vows
Not sharing vows during the ceremony? This is perhaps the absolute worst of the worst wedding planning advice. The vows are the key part of the ceremony. The very definition of a wedding ceremony is “a formal act or series of acts prescribed by ritual, protocol, or convention” (Merriam-Webster).
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While there are no specific words that you have to say, a legal marriage ceremony includes an exchange of vows or promises.
That said, if you are uncomfortable sharing personal, mushy, personalized vows, that’s ok. You don’t do that type of vow.
The simple “I, _____, take you, _____, to be my wife/husband/partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for so long as we both shall live.” is perfectly fine.
Need some prompting? Then have your officiant lead the vows (Officiant: “________, please take ________ ‘s hand and repeat after me. . .”).
But you do need to do vows of some type for it to be a legal ceremony.
What the article got right
Ok, she didn’t get everything wrong. I am in total agreement on:
1) Don’t have your cocktail hour last longer than one hour. Forty-five minutes to one hour tops is ideal (with hors d’oeuvres, beverages, and music playing in the background). Your guests are fine on their own for that amount of time. Any longer and they will get bored.
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema via Unsplash
2) If you want to give out favors, do so in the form of something edible (who can resist a sweet treat?), and don’t wait until the end of the evening to hand them out.
3) Don’t want to do a first dance? Then don’t do one. But that’s the same for just about everything else you plan on for your wedding day. If it doesn’t resonate with you and your partner, skip it.
The decision to include or exclude a certain tradition in your wedding belongs to you and your partner only, so beware of this type of worst wedding planning advice. Don’t take any across-the-board “mustn’t do” or “have tos” to heart. Take your guests into consideration, of course. But, in the end, if you want to and if it is meaningful to you and your partner, go for it. It’s YOUR wedding. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions hold you back.
Hearts, Joy, Love!
Jean
Author of “Wedding Invitations, RSVPs, and More! Oh My!” and “From ‘I Will’ to ‘I Do’”
Looking for fun ideas, or need help with your wedding plans? Contact me today at [email protected] or by phone or text at 937-581-3647!
